Setting Compassionate Boundaries with Loved Ones
A Trauma-Informed Approach to Protecting Your Energy and Strengthening Relationships
Written by CTRR Practitioner Terri Allred
To learn more about working with Terri, click here.
Boundaries are often misunderstood. Many people think of them as walls—barriers meant to keep others out. But when set with compassion, boundaries are actually bridges. They are invitations to healthier, more sustainable relationships.
For trauma survivors, setting boundaries with loved ones can feel especially daunting. Maybe past experiences taught you that saying "no" led to punishment or rejection. Maybe you’ve internalized the idea that your needs should always come second. Or perhaps you feel a deep responsibility to care for others, even at the expense of your own well-being.
The good news? You can rewrite this narrative! You can set boundaries in a way that honors both your needs and your relationships. Based on the trauma-informed work of CTRR Practitioner Terri Allred, MS, here’s how to cultivate compassionate boundaries—boundaries that are firm yet kind, protective yet connective.
1. Boundaries Are an Act of Love—For Yourself and Others
Many of us carry guilt about setting boundaries. We worry about hurting someone’s feelings or being seen as selfish. But compassionate boundaries are actually an act of care.
They prevent resentment by ensuring you don’t give beyond your capacity.
They foster respect because they teach others how to engage with you in a healthy way.
They build trust because they create clarity in relationships.
Instead of thinking of boundaries as keeping people away, consider them a roadmap that shows others how to love and support you in ways that feel safe and sustainable.
2. The Nervous System Knows: Listen to Your Body’s Signals
A trauma-informed approach to boundaries means recognizing the body’s cues. Your nervous system often knows when a boundary is needed before your conscious mind does.
Do you feel a tightness in your chest when a certain person calls?
Do you notice anxiety creeping in when you agree to something you don’t want to do?
Do you feel exhausted and drained after interacting with certain family members?
These are signs that your body is asking for a boundary. Instead of pushing through discomfort, pause and ask yourself: What do I need in this moment to feel safe and grounded?
3. Start with Small, Low-Stakes Boundaries
If boundary-setting is new for you, start small. You don’t have to dive into the deepest, most complex dynamics right away. Try these simple, everyday boundary-setting phrases:
"I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now."
"That topic is hard for me—can we talk about something else?"
"I need a little time to myself before we continue this conversation."
Small wins build confidence. Over time, it becomes easier to set bigger, more essential boundaries in emotionally charged situations.
4. Boundaries Require Maintenance—Not Just One-Time Declarations
Setting a boundary isn’t a one-and-done event. Some people will push back, and others will need reminders. This doesn’t mean you’re failing—it just means you’re human. If a boundary is tested, remain calm and consistent:
If someone keeps interrupting your quiet time, gently remind them: “I really need this space to recharge. Let’s catch up later.”
If a loved one keeps bringing up a painful topic, reinforce: “I’m not comfortable discussing this. I’d love to focus on something else.”
Your boundaries are worth repeating. You don’t owe endless explanations—only clarity and self-trust.
5. Release the Guilt: You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Reactions
One of the hardest parts of boundary-setting is managing the emotions of others. You may fear being seen as unkind or worry about disappointing people you care about. But remember:
🚫 You are not responsible for how someone reacts to your boundary.
✅ You are only responsible for setting it with clarity and compassion.
If someone responds with guilt-tripping, anger, or emotional withdrawal, it doesn’t mean your boundary was wrong. It means they have their own work to do. You can acknowledge their feelings while still holding firm:
“I hear that this is hard for you. I still need to honor my boundary.”
“I understand this is unexpected, but it’s important for me.”
Their feelings are theirs to navigate. Your job is to stay grounded in your truth.
6. Boundaries Are a Muscle—The More You Use Them, The Stronger They Get
At first, setting boundaries might feel awkward. You may stumble over your words, feel anxious afterward, or question yourself. That’s normal.
Like any skill, practice makes progress. The more you hold your boundaries, the more natural it becomes. Over time, you’ll notice:
✔️ Less guilt and second-guessing
✔️ More ease in expressing your needs
✔️ Deeper, healthier relationships
And most importantly, you’ll notice a newfound sense of self-respect and freedom.
Final Thought: You Deserve Relationships That Honor Your Needs
Compassionate boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about making room for relationships that uplift and sustain you.
When you set boundaries, you are:
🌿 Honoring your well-being
🌿 Modeling self-respect
🌿 Inviting healthier dynamics into your life
You are worthy of boundaries that support your healing. You are allowed to take up space. And you are deserving of relationships where your needs are valued.
So take a deep breath, listen to your body, and start where you are. Your well-being matters.
Need Support in Setting Boundaries?
At the Center for Trauma Resolution and Recovery, we understand how challenging boundary-setting can be, especially for trauma survivors. If you’d like guidance, support, or community as you navigate this journey, we’re here for you.
Reach out to us today to learn more about our trauma-informed coaching, groups, and resources.
